Neilson Plays, 1 by Anthony Neilson

Author:Anthony Neilson
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Bloomsbury Publishing
Published: 2011-09-04T16:00:00+00:00

Seven

Claire is putting her make-up on.

Claire Is this a violent thing?

There is no reply.

I don’t know if I want to see some thing violent. (Pause.) Isn’t there something lighter on? A comedy? Or something romantic?

Sid enters.

Sid This is romantic.

Claire (pause) It doesn’t sound romantic. It sounds violent. (Pause.) Something like Breakfast at Tiffany’s that’s what I fancy.

Sid We can stay in if you prefer.

Claire (pause) No, we’ll go. I just thought there might be something more … you know …

Sid Send them home with a smile?

Claire Well why not?

Sid Good clean family fun?

Claire It doesn’t have to be clean.

Sid We could go to a porno then. That’s romantic. Swedish Nuns Suck Cock For Jesus, something like that. I could finger-fuck you in the back row.

He is kneeling beside her now, watching her apply her make-up. She stops, looks at him.

Claire Is this lipstick all right?

Sid What happened to the really red one?

Claire (pause) That one? Did you like that one? (Pause.) I thought it was a bit tacky.

Sid You suit tacky.

Claire Thanks.

Sid Makes your mouth look more like a cunt.

Claire Maybe I should grow a beard as well.

Sid I thought you’d started.

She smiles sarcastically.

Give us a kiss.

Pause. She kisses him lightly.

Properly.

Pause. She kisses him on the lips. Eventually she draws away, smiling.

Claire Lips taste funny.

Sid Do they?

Her lips start to burn. He watches her.

What is it?

Claire (pause) My lips have gone all hot. What have you been eating?

He says nothing.

Claire Oh, Sid, they’re really burning! What have you got on your lips?

He shows her a small bottle of Tabasco sauce, smiling. She rubs at her lips.

That’s really nasty.

Sid No. That’s romantic. My kiss burns your lips.

Claire You’re a bastard, Sid.

Sid I thought you liked Tabasco.

She gets up and goes for a glass of water.

You should try kissing a girl who’s wearing loads of perfume. When I was a kid, I used to get off with these girls at parties. You’d be kissing their necks for hours and I swear, by the end of it you’d feel like you’d drunk half a bottle of Charlie, or whatever it was. Used to give me stomach-ache like fuck. And your balls would be aching because your dick had been up and down a dozen times.

Claire comes back in. Sits down. Sulking. Long pause.

Claire That was a really nasty thing to do.

Sid Wait a minute … we’re going to go out tonight. We’re probably going to come back here, we’ll probably end up fucking, and then you’ll leave and go home to fuck some sad old man who’s been waiting for you all night, and you’re saying that I’m nasty?

A long pause.

Claire I’m not going to be fucking him.

Sid Even nastier.

Claire What happens if I leave him? Would you be with me?

Sid Who is it that you love?

Claire (pause) I love you both in different ways.

Sid Bollocks.

He pulls her, still on the chair, over to him.

Let me rephrase the question: Who is it that you want to fuck?

She doesn’t answer, slightly frightened by him.

Come on, don’t be shy.

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